(no subject)

It never gets less funny. Never.

( screenshot )

Look, I DO leave the house sometimes.

I bought my ticket to go see my baby sister hooray!

However, I think that if a plane ticket for the continental United States is above $400, prostitutes should be part of the in-flight service. I am writing to my Congressperson now.

In other news, I took four Excedrin Migraine in four hours, and they did nothing for my horrible headache.

Dear The Used,
If you suddenly post U.S. tour dates in July that conflict with my trip, I swear I will distract Dan Whitesides with pornography and proceed to smack the shit out of the rest of you skinny bitches and you know I can.
Love, Valerie

And finally, Rancid July 26 in New York! Who's with me? I am very cute and willing to be DD. (Designated driver. Also, cup size.)

(no subject)

So I was reading bumper stickers on Facebook, because...clearly I am loved by millions, when I came across this one, which ended in an ENTIRELY different place than I thought it would.



Am I alone in thinking that last line was going to be something else?

Also, you fail at grammar, anonymous Facebook individual.

One day they'll have to listen.

It's that time of year again, when I'm using MS Word and it makes me sad, so I e-mail Microsoft.

Here is the link to e-mail Microsoft about Office.

And here's what I sent:

HELLO. COULD YOU PLEASE PUT TABS IN MICROSOFT WORD LIKE THERE ARE IN MICROSOFT EXCEL. THIS WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY I WOULD CRY. I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS ALL I NEED TO MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE. PLEASE PUT TABS IN WORD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Thank you.
valerie@valerielewis.net

(no subject)

Sorry for all the posts today. One more and then I'm going to watch baseball and go to bed.

( Tim Armstrong is prettier than you. My condolences. )

Okay, sometime when I'm not sleepy, I'm going to do a whole video spam focused on how Tim talks so that everyone who isn't sick of me by now will learn Tim's voice and write me Tim/Bert fic. Or I'll just, you know, write it myself.

(no subject)

I know I said I was done, but I just remembered something. Last night, Melky Cabrera, the greatest baseball player in the history of the world (or, alternately, a decent outfielder when your other outfielders are injured) was chewing tobacco during last night's Yankees game.

So, in the hopes that Melky Cabrera regularly Googles himself, I will now lecture him on this, and then translate it into Spanish very badly.

MELKY CABRERA. You should not be chewing tobacco. It is unhealthy and can lead to disease. You are too beautiful to be diseased. Also you are a role model to many children. You wouldn't want them to think this type of behavior is acceptable. Please stop chewing tobacco. Also, e-mail me. valerie @ valerielewis.net

MELKY CABRERA. Usted no debe estar mascando tabaco. Es poco sano y puede llevar a la enfermedad. Usted es demasiado hermoso estar enfermo. También usted es un modelo a imitar a muchos niños. Usted no los desearía que piensen que este tipo de conducta es aceptable. Pare por favor mascando tabaco. También, me envía por correo electrónico. valerie @ valerielewis.net